Potential Adoptive Parents Should Know
Your First Conversation with a Birth Mother
The call with a birth mother
How do you prepare to talk with a birth mother for the first time?
A birth mother wants to talk with you. Darla from Heart to Heart Adoptions, a Utah Adoption Agency often schedules a call. Here are a few things to consider regarding that communication.
Sometimes, during the first of the conversation, potential adoptive parents will say something like, “What did you like about our profile?”
Please, don’t.
The truth is she probably doesn’t know what she specifically impressed her.
Looking at your profile, she felt something—but putting it into words could be difficult. Asking her to explain might feel like putting her on the spot. Plus, when you ask that question, it can appear like you’re looking for reassurance about your own self-worth rather than a genuine understanding of her feelings.
Often, birth mothers don’t really know what they want. Not specifically.
“I don’t think they know what they are looking for until they look at profiles,” Darla, from the Utah adoption agency said. “Sometimes we give them profiles that correspond to exactly what they told us they wanted, and nothing resonates. Then they will see another set of profiles, and immediately say, ‘This is what I’m looking for.’”
“Your profile helps a birth mom really get a feel of what she is looking for,” Darla continued. “Being yourself in a profile is the first genuine thing you can do for a birth mom. Birth mothers generally do not tell me why they choose one and not the other. They don’t say, ‘Oh, I didn’t like this this and this.’”
An adoptive family can do nothing about what a birth mother wants. What they can do is be honest in a profile.
Because she has seen your profile, by the time she chooses to have a conversation with you, she’s already learned a lot about you. She likely knows more about you than you do about her.
So, adoptive families: imagine you’re on a blind date—what kinds of questions would you ask? Try to approach this with that same curiosity. Yes, you’ll want to know about health history, the birth father, and other important details, but start by getting to know her as a person.
You’re at the crossroads of adoption together. Show concern for her journey.
Ask questions like, “How have you been feeling?” or “How has this pregnancy been for you?” Acknowledge what a significant decision this is—one that will impact her, her children, and extended family.
As you talk, don’t assume she’s made her final choice yet. Approach this conversation without focusing solely on what you want to know, even though you may be eager for information about the birth father and medical records. Make your first priority getting to know the birth mother.
She’s trying to picture you as potential parents for her child, and her language may reflect that.
She might say things like, “I loved your profile,” “Will you be at the hospital with me? I don’t have that support,” or “Are you open to visits?” She might say similar things to more than one family, trying to get a sense of the commitment each family is willing to make. Even if these are just initial questions, they reflect her hopes and feelings.
Often, adoptive families respond to these questions with something like, “Well, if being at the hospital works for you, we will.” But these answers can feel dispassionate. In reality, the birth mother might be looking for a bit more enthusiasm, like, “We’ll have our bags packed and be ready whenever you need us.”
As you talk, return the warmth, compassion, and eagerness she’s showing you.
“I’ve seen adoptive families on calls where they hesitate to make any commitment,” says Darla. “They give neutral answers, trying not to sound too eager because they’re afraid to put their hearts on the line. The birth mother might not choose them, so they say, ‘Whatever you want works for us.’ Try to be willing to put yourself out there just a bit more.”
Birth mothers frequently ask if the potential adoptive family is open to having visits.
“The adoptive family often responds with something like, ‘We’ll follow your lead.’ Or ‘When you are ready.’ This kind of feels the same unenthusiastic,” Darla, a matching expert from a Utah adoption agency, said. “Even though I know these potential adoptive parents’ hearts and that they are eager to welcome a child, they still kind of tone down their responses. They are afraid of their own grief, and so they send back to her this toned-down version of themselves. Be yourself. Show your enthusiasm. Respond to the birth mother in the same warm manner she approaches you. Don’t assume she has made her decision but be approachable and willing.
“Of course, that is always difficult. And more than likely, you will have disappointments. But eventually, the right situation will come along, and your baby will be placed in your arms. Hold on to that belief.”