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Myths about Adoption–Including Myths about Open Adoption.

Open adoption may sound intimidating or possibly confusing to both birth families and potential adoptive families. What exactly is open adoption?

Many of you may be asking.

  • What does an open adoption look like?
  • How does it work?
  • Is it really in the best interest of the child?

The answer to the first two questions is that open adoption will look and work differently in every case.

Here is a list of some adoption myths and truths concerning open adoption.

Myth: Open adoption is confusing to children.

Truth: Contrary to this belief, research indicates that open adoption can help children understand their situation better. First, having contact with the birth family helps eliminate secrecy. Children, even at an early age, understand different roles and responsibilities between the caretakers and the biological relatives.

Open adoption gives children access to information about their heritage as well as helping them come to terms at a young age with the reasons and circumstances behind their adoption.

Myth: Open adoption is a form of co-parenting.

Truth: Adoption involves a legally defined agreement created with the help of your adoption agency or lawyer. This agreement outlines specific roles for birth parents and adoptive parents. When an adoption is finalized, the full legal responsibilities for the child’s welfare and decision-making are placed in the hands of the adoptive parents.

Myth: Most adoptive parents end up regretting being involved in an open adoption.

Truth: Many of the parents we work with enter an open adoption with some degree of trepidation. Eventually, they learn the value of openness. They value their relationships as they see how openness affects their child and how most of them learn to love the birth family.

Myth: Most relationships between adoptive families and birth families eventually deteriorate or completely fall apart.

Truth: All relationships change over time, so, of course, there will be changes in the adoption triad. Relationships between adoptive parents, birth parents, and adoptees will ebb and flow as the child matures and wants different relationships between his adoptive parents and birth parents. As is typical of any relationship, there will be challenges. As long as everyone recognizes this typical maturing and all parties remain committed to communication and are flexible, the relationships established are life-long and rewarding.

A well-defined adoption agreement will help guide these relationships.

Myth: Adoptees will have conflicting loyalties between birth parents and adoptive parents.

Truth: Children learn quickly they can love multiple people. Adoptive parents and birth parents should work together to ensure there is no competition between families. We have seen this successfully work for over two decades.

At Heart to Heart Adoptions, most of our families sign up on OurHeartsConnect, a moderated computer app that allows communication between families. If there are problems or concerns within the triad, we have counselors and moderators who help resolve issues before they become big or concerning.

We love the organization Bravelove. Here is a recent story they posted about a birth mother who has had an open adoption with her daughter and adoptive family.

Myth: Birth parents find communicating with the child and adoptive family painful.

Truth: The research is conclusive. The majority of birth parents who get to see pictures, messages, and videos from the adoptive family report less grief, regret, and worry. These birth families have more peace than those who do not have contact, according to the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute.

Myth: Birth mothers “give up” their children because they don’t want them

Truth: Birth mothers love their children deeply and want the best for them. Placing a child for adoption is often the most challenging choice they’ll ever make. It’s not about not wanting their children, but wanting to give them more than they can provide themselves.

Birth mothers place their children for adoption out of love while also experiencing great loss. They think about, see, and grieve for their children. They’re proud of them and want them to feel loved, follow their dreams, and reach their full potential.

Instead of saying a birth mother “gives up” her child, it’s better to say she “makes an adoption plan.” As one birth mother explains, “I didn’t give up my child – I ended my parental rights so someone else could be her parent. They could offer her more opportunities than I could at the time.”